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The Kadin by Bertrice Small
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zooey deschanel.

matthew mcconaughey. sarah jessica parker.

kathy bates.

bradley cooper?

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this is a wonderful movie about love :)

i want to tell jim about it :) and keira knightley is in it, so maybe he'll watch it :p *laughs warmly* 2 words, fine. likable bastard :) anyway, i hope things work out on his trip :)

i must watch this movie again though :) such feelings of happiness and joy at the end! :)

Current Mood:
silly silly
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oh, movies are wonderful :)

i just saw pride and prejudice :) *contentedly sighs*

it reminds me so of sense and sensibility :)

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i think jim mentioned her and i just watched bend it like beckham this morning, and noticed when the credits rolled, that she was in it, so i will have to ask him if he had seen this movie. jim will probably think it's a dumb movie :p i think it's a feel good movie :)
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it occurred to me today that i could still deposit money in the bank, by using the atm to make a deposit, so i did that tonight, 'cause the bank is a block away from the library, so i just walked over. 3 months and that never occurred to my brain. i used to 'know' things like that. when they say it's like riding a bike, you don't forget, apparently there are things you don't recall. anyhow, *shrugs*

when i was married, i used the atm routinely. maybe 10 times a month, as a guess? although that seems horribly high. maybe only 5 times a month? i don't know. 8 feels like a good number. 5 feels wrong on the low side, and 8 feels ok to my body/feelings. i don't feel anxious about 8 being wrong, although that number could be way off, for all i know. the right answer is unknown, but that's not the point.

now that i'm not going out *laughs*... i mean not going out of my apartment, literally... it would be remarkable if i use it once a year.

i notice it with pumping gas too, which i only do now every 3 months, probably. sometimes, occasionally, i have to stare at things and think and then i remember what to do. it's stopped being instinctive/natural, occasionally.

kitty is not only physically timid and emotionally timid but mentally timid. unfamiliar things can cause alarm. anyhow, books are things i'm still familiar with, and i can read them and we're on friendly terms, books and i :) as long as they're good books, 'cause there are bad books too, but we don't speak or think of them... so yes, the books i read, the stories are friends to me :)

kitty actually reads childrens books occasionally, 'cause the child one *loves* the stories and the pictures :) but it's wrong to let that one be too outwardly apparent, so we do not read those books frequently, but the truth is, it's like a toy store to kitty, and if kitty was free to be ones self, kitty would read many of those books avidly. just, sometimes, stories are sad, and we have to avoid sad things, but the happy fun ending ones are really wonderful! (yes, we allowed the ! to be there. kitty is jumping inside!)

and now we're going to let kitty enjoy uno, 'cause kitty and uno are friends :) we let kitty come out and be with the uno-playing one and kitty expresses happiness and laughs even, sometimes :)
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which i got from the library. one is very mentionable. Crush. very 4 funerals-and-a-wedding-ish and it's quite carnal. there's another movie it's really like, but i won't mention which one, as to not spoil it.

i haven't been sleeping well. for a couple of weeks, maybe, i've been up until 9am-noon, then i finally am able to sleep. the jim thing is on my mind a little. ha. my mind goes, 'there is no jim' then jumps to 'there is no spoon!' *laughs a bit* just depressed and sad. head hurts. (stress? anxiety? 'cause it's not 'voices' that's the reason, atm)

matt -- one of the librarians -- said something unexpected tonight. when i checked out the dvds, he said to keep them as long as i wanted, or something along those lines. (normally due back in 2 days, with a $2/day fine when late.) he and everyone are always nice, but lets classify this as 'exceptionally nice'. i don't understand it, the reason. truly, i think that's why i have problems, 'cause i don't see someone that another person would want to be nice to. or to be direct, i don't like me much, so why the hell would anyone else find something likeable (in general) about me. anyway, it's been cool and rainy, but i'm drenched/sweaty/hot now, having written that. i don't like to talk about things, but... and it's not the root of the problem. i mean, you don't just hate/dislike yourself for no reason. so there's an underlying reason which we could put a name to, but my life is mostly centred around 'i don't care' (about me or what might happen to me). kitty or this one or whatever is fairly mentally ill. i mean, the whole tax situation came about because they owed me money, due to me not caring about taking a deduction i should have. we're talking like overpaying my tax by $2000. whether that was deliberate or not, to pay for something i shouldn't have, i couldn't correct it, for anxiety reasons. that's why i didn't file. and now, i owe them, because i didn't file for the remaining years since then, but that's neither here or there. it's not that i don't care about the irs. it's that i don't care if a cruise missile plows into my apartment and blows me up. so the irs after me? it's not exactly fatal. maybe i'll die slowly, but as long as i'm never suicidal, i just get to be passive and not care.

the words now would be "i've met some interesting people." meaning kathryn and others, and they've all had different feelings and opinions and may or may not have been passionate about this cause or that... i'm not a product of them. i'm not a sum of them. i'm just someone else, different from them. maybe i'm just what's left, and not much of that, outside of kitty. i just don't seem to care about anything, and maybe that's what depression is, so i just pass the time reading, so i don't have to be conscious of... consciousness, if you will. it's really horrible, but of the many things that have been cared about, the person i am now, doesn't seem to care about anything that mattered to anyone else. yeah, i think this is depression, 'cause even peter felt strongly about lies/being lied to, and at this second/minute/hour in my life, i really don't care one way or the other if someone lies to me, it just doesn't matter.

the only thing that scares me, is that the hospital here does electroshock therapy as treatment for depression, and that's scary. i've seen how patients are different after, and i think you loose a teeny little bit of some memories too, and... well... a, i think it sounds cruel/inhumane, and b, even if i have memory problems to start, what i do remember, i don't want to lose any more of. they're _my_ memories, and i should be able to keep them, and not have brain cells/neurons/whatever, subjected to large electrical currents flowing through my body. and the doctor here, i don't like him, he kinda because he's a psychiatrist or whatever and is allegedly normal and we're the sick/ill ones who need treatment, he thinks we don't know what's best, and it's almost like it's not allowed to be consentual. i mean, they tell you it's what they want to do, and they don't like to take no for an answer, 'cause they keep on you, i feel. anyhow, i haven't been in a hospital in... well... since october 2003, so as long as i don't end up in one, since i'm not a danger to myself or anyone else, then i should have some rights/say as to my whatever. anyhow, i'm going to go read now.

Oh, kitty looked it up now, 'cause it isn't called electroshock therapy. they call it electroconvulsive therapy, like it's a better name. bah. this is what a web site says:
Today, the American Psychiatric Association has very specific guidelines for the administration of ECT. It is to be used only to treat severe, debilitating mental disorders and not to control behavior. In most states, written and informed consent is required. The doctor will explain in detail to the patient and or family the reasons why ECT is being considered along with the potential
side effects.

ECT is generally used in severely depressed patients for whom psychotherapy and medication are proving ineffective. It may also be considered when there is an imminent risk of suicide because ECT often has much quicker results than antidepressant remedies.

Ooh, kitty read a little further on:

There are clearly significant side effects, especially acute confusion and persistent memory deficits.

EEK. Like I don't suffer from both of those, significantly and chronically, already. Holy cow :( The last thing I would want is to be more confused than i am already :( :( :( Last thursday, this one was standing in the grocery aisle for 5 minutes, staring at the same thing, trying to decide what should or should not be bought. and we're talking about ONE item, here. if i can't make simple decisions like that, well...
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finished watching a romantic movie with gwyneth paltrow and john hannah. the movie itself was fine, but the minute it was over, it all started... first person i thought of was him. sometimes it takes a while for things to go away. anyway, i asked myself if i have feelings for him, and i don't think i do. but it's confusing enough to make my head hurt because just because i don't have feelings for him, it doesn't mean other parts feel the same. and he doesn't understand the whole parts thing either. he says everyone talks to themselves and he doesn't understand that they're different parts or pieces of me or whatever they are. nothing is black and white anymore, i mean certain. well, the only certain thing is that i don't hear her voice anymore -- kathryn's. the only good thing is if you wait long enough, it stops hurting, unless you think of things. confusion/uncertainty=pain.
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